Another One Rides The Bus
by Sainte Matthewe
Summary: Gundam Wing's Chang WuFei learns to fear public transportation.


Another One Rides the Bus  
  
Sainte Matthewe  
  
Author's note: Characters and related items from Mobile Suit Gundam Wing are property of big Asian-based companies, whose names escape me. Several characters from Final Fantasy Seven make cameos. They are also owned by a big Asian-based company rather than me. Words and music for "Another One Rides the Bus" are copyrighted 1980 by "Weird Al" Yankovic, that in turn, parodies "Another One Bites the Dust", words and music copyrighted 1980 by Queen.  
  
Dedications: To the members of the PHS 1999-2000 Marching, Concert, and Commencement Bands for all their arguments about who sits with whom or what instruments. Thanks for the inspiration. Also, to Carolyn, who laughed at my dumb jokes and encouraged me to write this. ^_^ Sankyu!  
  
  
  
Primly dressed in a brown sport coat and nice slacks, Chang WuFei stood uneasily on the curb. He shifted occasionally from foot to foot, and regarded his wristwatch with an expression of annoyance mingled with worry. He momentarily considered finding a cab, but a loud bang of an exhaust system backfiring and the whine of airbrakes caused the young man to look up from his timepiece. Slowly, the dingy, gray city bus rolled to a stop, and the door wheezed open. WuFei stepped up onto the vehicle, sighing with relief and trepidation.  
  
Ridin' on the bus down the boulevard  
  
And the place was pretty packed. (Yeah!)  
  
Couldn't find a place to sit,  
  
So I had to stand with the perverts in the back.  
  
It was smellin' like a locker room  
  
There was junk all over the floor.  
  
We're already packed in like sardines,  
  
But we're stoppin' to pick up more.  
  
LOOK OUT.  
  
With each upward step, his feet stuck to the floor and released them with a loud and disgusting sound. The young pilot paid the minimal fair without a backward glance at the driver. He lifted one foot with another loud squelching sound, and the bald, expressionless driver (01) chose that exact moment to stomp on the accelerator. WuFei was thrown forward into the lap of the rumpled drunk (02) in a nearby seat.  
  
With a startled snort, the drunk awoke, and focused his rheumy eyes upon the boy. He growled and pushed the dark-haired youth onto the filthy, sticky floor.  
  
WuFei broke his fall with outstretched palms, and wrinkled his nose at the peculiar odor of rotting, perspiration-soaked terry cloth wafting up from the floor. He heaved himself back onto his feet, and brushed himself off. With grave apprehension, he set out on a quest to find a seat, as several candy wrappers rolled by like tumbleweeds.  
  
Unsteadily, the young man walked down the narrow isle, searching for a place to sit. A number of seats behind the irate drunk, a huge mountain of a man glared at the passing youth from behind the picture book he was reading to the little girl on his knee (03). WuFei glanced at the man, and made a face. The man-mountain took up the entire bench. Snarling to himself, the pilot continued down the isle.  
  
He stalked down the tiny isle with a disgusted scowl. WuFei's already volatile expression soured as he realized there were no open seats anywhere on the dingy bus.  
  
The grim-faced bus driver suddenly stomped on the massive airbrakes, compounding the pilot's misery by throwing him into the arms of a less than savory character standing in the back. The greasy-haired bum with forked eyebrows righted the boy with a hungry leer (04). As yet more people boarded the bus, the youth inched uneasily from the letch.  
  
There's a suitcase pokin' me in the ribs;  
  
There's an elbow in my ear.  
  
There's a smelly ol' bum standin' next to me,  
  
Hasn't showered in a year.  
  
Well, I think I'm missing a contact lens;  
  
I think my wallet's gone.  
  
And I think this bus is stopping again,  
  
To let a couple more freaks get on.  
  
LOOK OUT.  
  
The young man's attempts to extract himself from the filthy vagrant's sphere of influence were all in vain. A huge crowd prevented any sort of movement. The bus lurched forward, again. The sudden acceleration flung WuFei onto the sharp-cornered suitcase of the dark-haired woman dressed in a fringed shirt (08) in front of him.  
  
Once the now bruised Gundam pilot righted himself, he began to turn a peculiar shade of green. The cause behind the pilot's strange colouring was the putrid (06) breath of the much taller, lecherous vagabond, which was angled just so it was the only thing the boy could smell. The stench became so intense, tears sprang to his eyes, and he almost lost his last meal on the woman in front of him.  
  
Suddenly, the mass of humanity stuffed in the narrow bus isle shifted, and someone shamelessly grabbed at the pilot's rear end. This action gave rise to pink blush in sallow cheeks. Believing the bum to be the perpetrator, WuFei balled his hand into a fist, and prepared to punch the retch. He would have done so, if a subtle motion made by a flat chested, over-maquillaged (07) "lady" of the night (08) hadn't caught his eye.  
  
"She" was waving a square of black leather that WuFei recognized as his wallet. The so-called lady smiled provocatively, and hung on the arm of "her" determinedly grim and detached escort (09). The besieged pilot took a moment to glare at the thief, and check his back pocket only to discover the obvious. His wallet was gone, now in the possession of the nearby Drag Queen.  
  
Poor WuFei started to get angry, but lost interest about halfway through disgusted. He simply grumbled, "Stupid false-woman" and found himself impaled again upon the suitcase. The bus had made yet another sudden stop.  
  
The window doesn't open and the fan is broke  
  
And my face is turning blue. (Yeah!)  
  
I haven't been in a crowd like this  
  
Since I went to see the Who  
  
Well, I should have gotten off a couple of miles ago,  
  
But I couldn't get to the door!  
  
There isn't any room for me to breathe  
  
Now we're gonna pick up more?  
  
Ye~eah.  
  
He sloughed a bit as he stood, and temporarily resigned himself to his present state of general misery. Meanwhile, the great crowd squished him back into the tattered arms of the bum. WuFei inhaled to sigh, but found he was choking once more on the tramp's officious and almost tangible stink. He searched for a way to alleviate the rank odor that churned his stomach and made his eyes water, but he saw only a single rickety fan, barely held together by duct tape, whose blades spun idly with the respiration of the passengers. He briefly considered asking a nearby passenger to open a window, but decided otherwise after observing a young blond man in a baggy, blue uniform struggle vainly with a window (10).  
  
Despondent and nauseated, WuFei looked beyond the window and out into the world beyond the bus for the first time in more than an hour. Seeing the unfamiliar cityscape on the other side of the glass, he swore loudly, earning a withering glare from the girl in pink (11) who inhabited the seat next to the blond battling the window. Ignoring the girl, WuFei swore a second and a third time. He knew he had missed his stop.  
  
Furious, the young pilot attempted to elbow his way to the front, but succeeded in only impaling himself on the sharp-cornered suitcase, as the bus stopped again. He let loose an angry howl as the crowd pressed him back.  
  
***  
  
Ignoring her luxurious surroundings, Sally Po continued to study the bottom of her wineglass. It wasn't until the waiter cleared his throat did she realize he was there, and look up.  
  
The waiter spoke quietly, once he captured the woman's attention. "Excusez-moi, Mademoiselle, but are you ready to order?  
  
Slowly, she shook her head, and replied, her voice only slightly slurred by the surprising amount of alcohol she had lately consumed, "I am still waiting for someone, but I would like another glass of wine."  
  
The waiter nodded, and disappeared.  
  
Sally continued to wait, one delicate foot tapping impatiently against the richly carpeted floor. She toyed with her skirts for a moment, and then looked to her watch. By her present calculations, her date was over an hour late. She scowled at the white linen tablecloth, as the waiter reappeared, placing a glass of wine before her.  
  
Once the waiter disappeared once more, she wordlessly gulped down the beverage. She quickly stood up, swaying slightly, and headed for the door. She strode across the room, paying no attention to her surroundings and disgusted with herself for waiting so long.  
  
Crossing the threshold, Sally suddenly ran into a warm body. She raised her eyes from the carpeted floor, hoping to see the scowling face of her date, but instead found herself looking up at an impossibly tall, sumptuously dressed gentleman, whose long, platinum hair fell boyishly in his handsome visage. Startled at seeing him, Sally's eyes widened, and she began to feverishly apologize.  
  
He laughed gently and said, "Its okay, really. No need to apologize." As Sally stood a little straighter, and stopped her speech, he offered his hand to her. "Miss Sally Po, I presume." She accepted his hand as he continued. "I must say, you are the last person I expected to see at J. D. Westly's (12) tonight."  
  
Sally sighed a bit, and lowered her eyes. "I was expecting someone, but as it turns out." she trailed off, frowning.  
  
The corners of the gentleman's lips turned upward in an enigmatic smile. "Two wrongs are only the beginning, I suppose," he said cryptically. Shaking the hair out of his face, he continued, "Since we are both alone this evening, I don't suppose I could tempt you to dine with me?"  
  
Suddenly sober, Sally smiled. "I would be honoured to join you, Mister Peacecraft."  
  
"Milliardo, please." Turning to the rather impatient Concierge, he lightly amended, "Make that a table for two, kind sir."  
  
  
  
Footnotes:  
  
That's Rude from Final Fantasy Seven  
  
Rude's buddy, Reno  
  
Barrett and his daughter Marlene  
  
Treize Kushrenada  
  
Lt. Lucrizia Noin  
  
My favorite word. ^_^  
  
Is that really a word? Ja, it is now. It means "wearing too much make-up"  
  
Knee-jerk gag of Duo in drag. Har de har har.  
  
The second half of the knee-jerk gag, Hiiro Yui  
  
Cloud Strife from FF7. I wonder if he noticed the window is locked.  
  
Prim, proper, and in pink, Miss Aeris Gainsborough.  
  
That's a **real** French restaurant in Toledo, Ohio  
  
(00) Parts of this were written to poke fun at Gundam Wing Yaoi. Sorry if I offended anyone. _ 


End file.
